4am in the freaking morning one of the smoke detectors decided to let us know that it needed a battery.

This stuff never happens at 4pm or at a time when I happen to have the ladder in the house. Like a hungry newborn baby, these little bastards want to be changed at 4am, after a night when you stayed up a little later than usual and felt you could sleep in because the next day is Saturday.

I waited it out. I tried. I am guilty in doing this with our kids, especially when they shout “I can’t find my Woobie”, only to realize, as I walk into the room, that they rolled over on it. Because it’s easier to shout than to actually look for it, they yell for one of us. It’s funny, I’m actually the more patient parent, but the kids are gluttons for punishment and mistakenly say the word “mommy” before they say what the issue is. The problem with mommy is that, if she is forced to make the trip upstairs, everyone in the house is going to pay. With me, I take on the task as quietly as a 200 pound man can tip toe up 15 stairs and into a kid’s room. At 4am my petite wife is the size of and is as loud as a T-Rex.

So after fighting it for 45 minutes, I got up, grabbed the few 9 volt batteries we actually had in the house (you always have batteries, but never have the batteries you need) and headed upstairs with a Disney princess flashlight. I also never have the flashlight I want…

The hunt began.

We live in a two story 3600 square foot house with lots of tile and tall walls. These factors make it difficult to pin point the origin of almost any sound, especially one that pings like a submarine and only makes a noise once every 60 seconds. You basically have to be right under the smoke detector to hear if it’s the one with the issue. By process of elimination, I could rule out the one in the downstairs living room. It was still missing a battery from the last time this happened and I ended that search with a “fuck it” as I ripped out the battery and never replaced it. I’m so YOLO that I didn’t even bother to close the little plastic door on that one. Fires are just going to have to happen upstairs.

I proceeded to do the pull up a chair (again, the ladder is in the garage), stand under the detector and wait for a flashing light or that submarine ping sound routine. Over and over again I did this in every room of the house. I didn’t do this once, each potential smoke detector culprit got checked twice, and two of them got checked 3 times. I gave those two the benefit of the doubt and changed them anyway, only to have the ping sound happen again as I closed the little plastic doors.

It was now 5:30am on a Saturday morning. Fuck it. I tossed the princess flashlight and the batteries on the counter and I fell back into my bed. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep, but I was done hunting for the stupid smoke detector.

My wife rolls over and in a sleepy voice says “it’s probably the carbon monoxide detector on the bookshelf”. I promptly got back up, walked upstairs with the one good 9 volt battery we had left and located the carbon monoxide detector on the bookshelf. The bookshelf is located exactly between the two smoke detectors that I checked 3 times and eventually changed. I grabbed it off the shelf, opened the back of it and realized that it’s the only detector in the house that requires AA batteries. Of course!!! Why would it take the battery that I just happened to have in my hand!? With detector in hand, I marched downstairs, knowing that all the AA batteries are currently in the back of the 4 different Nintendo Wii controllers that we own; and chucked the carbon monoxide detector onto the counter. From there, I fell back into my bed and closed my eyes only to be awoken 60 seconds later by a little 5 year old boy that needed to use the bathroom outside of our bedroom. He pisses like a gown ass man and slams the toilet seat up before he starts to pee. Must be because he’s half T-Rex.

What’s the #Tryharder takeaway from today’s blog? Ask an expert their opinion? The T-Rex is always right?

Always wake up your wife when there’s a problem so you don’t spend 45 minutes trying to fix it yourself! Oh yeah, and make sure to pick up some batteries on your way home.

Mommy!!!